I haven't written in ages, on any of my blogs, so I just thought I'd throw an update out there.

First, the important stuff:

I'm gonna be selling my art at St. Ben's (by St. Cloud) on Wed. July 29th. Come if you can? Which probably hardly anyone can. :p Before then, I need to try to figure out how much it is to mat some of my pieces. That's really on my to-do list.

Second, I'm really sick of having all my art around me. It depresses me and takes up space and I just want to get rid of it all, at like, any cost. So, if you have any interest in any of my pieces, make an offer-like, I'll sell pieces for $2-5 bucks that are really worth tons more. I just want them gone. Even the pieces that are framed in really expensive frames from my art show-I'll sell them for like 15 bucks or something (the frame and matting itself on those is like $100-believe me, if you want the art at all, it's a deal...) I've even thrown some of my artworks away, 'cause they're just taking up space and I'm sick of having stuff that I'm never gonna do anything with. So...buy buy buy! I'll probably make another note about this in the future where I actually tag everybody, etc. look at my art you may want to buy at:
www.mythoughtsaredeep.deviantart.com or on my photo albums on art here on facebook.

Now onto the boring stuff for anybody who might care at all;

Not that much is happening-my life is extremely temporary feeling right now.
I graduated in May, Magna-cum-laude (sp? Guess I'm not that smart after all. ;) ) with a degree in Studio Arts and minor in Art History, and no idea what I can ever do with that. But, I do have a college education, and that's always a plus-and, as my dad says, "No one can ever take that away from you." And, I did learn a lot in college. A lot about myself, and I know I'm a better person. I know I understand the world better. I don't regret it at all-I loved it. In some ways, I want to go back. The only problem is, you're supposed to go to college to make more money-because it costs a lot of money-not just to become a better person.
I feel like I'm letting people down, even though no one's said any such thing to me.
I also feel like I just need to give up on ever being an artist, which is kind of just heartbreaking. I haven't made art in ages-and I really, really need to. I need to start at least just sketching once in a while. I have all these good intentions, but I never have time. And there's so many other things I'm supposed to be doing. How can I never have time no matter what's happening in my life? I need to find some way to make time.

Speaking of not having time, it probably has something to do with my new job. Which, if you didn't know, is working the night shift at Marshall Independent Newspaper. I stuff flyers and stuff into newspapers. I actually don't mind the job-the people I work with are good people and they're fun for the most part-and the job isn't hard or stressful. The bad parts are that it's only minimum wage, it's part time, even though the hours are actually closer to full time, the hours are a bit unpredictable, no benefits...oh, and the biggest bummer is that it's 6 nights a week. Not ever having 2 days off in a row really sucks. I feel like I never, ever, have any time. I can't seem to squeeze in exercising or art, or friends barely, into my schedule. All I do is work the night shift, feed animals, clean animals cages, clean my Mom's house, and work for Jessica with the ponies and the petting zoo. All of which pays, but not great. :p I'm doing pretty well with my bills, actually, really well-living at home and not having to pay for rent OR food really helps :p-the only bummer is, I'm gonna have to start saving for spending money in Germany soon so I can't put all my paychecks into my credit card bills, and starting in September, I'll have to start paying school loans. Bye bye paying large amounts of my bills off...

So yes, I am living at home. Which is also slightly embarrassing after you've graduated from college. Although it's just the smart thing to do to save money-it's really what I have to do right now. And I like my family-a lot-the only thing that sucks is I never get as much done when I'm not living by myself. There's so many distractions, like helping Mom cook, watching TV with the family, eating with the family, helping my mom with her garden, helping Jessica with the pets and the fences and panels, etc. I think that's actually the reason I'm not getting anything done these days-bonding time with my family.

After I get home from work I usually watch about an hour of something I have on Netflix and then read for about 45 minutes while my rat gets his out of the cage supervised play time. That's my time to get fun things done. Sometimes I do my exercising during that time, too. But I get lazy. I haven't been tackling the diet at all lately, and I really need to get around to doing that-I'm not gaining, but I'm definitely not losing like I was at school. And that's a problem as well. Being home makes me lazy. So does being so freakin' busy-I get so possessive of my free time because I have too little of it or something.

Also, for those of you who don't know, I have 3 pet rats now. 1 male and 2 females. The male gets neutered on Wed. 'cause now that he knows there's females in the house he's peeing on everything to mark it, etc. And I don't like him peeing on everything too much.

My temp. life is going to be going on for a while I'm afraid. At least until like Dec. I think. Which is why it's good to have even this low-paying job at the Independent. I saw an ad in the paper for a surgical tech-starting wage 15-21 bucks. So, going to school for that is still in the picture. Going to school for comic booking is still in my dream future, but, hey...I've been living in dreams long enough going to school for art, right? It's unlikely that it will happen. Which is also heartbreaking. Life sucks-guess I need to suck it up and realize I'm not special.
Other ideas, after Dec. is to apply a guard at ADM or something. Or apply at General Mills, 'cause they have good benefits and polices and pay well. That would probably be worth a move, a stable job like that.

I'm also doing research on becoming a professional pet sitter and owning that business myself, or with Jessica and Lacey-but I'd be the head of it really because they both have their own paths in life and I don't yet. They have they're projects, so I'd have to spear head this one. Problem is, how do I open my own business when I can't even find the freakin' time to read the books I bought about it? :p I've got those, my rat care books, even my comic books have been piling up. I want more time to read, but yet I also need more time to draw and to figure crap out for Germany. I've got the plane ticket and that's it-we haven't done anything with hotels/hostels yet, and I think we're just buying the train tickets there on the spot. But I'm going there for woodcuts, so I really should make some woodcut prints before I go there. That's what I was supposed to be doing for art this summer-summer's almost freakin' over, and it all gets busier from here on in. Argh. I need to read THOSE books on woodblock prints, too. So, so much I want to do.

And my hunger for knowledge has gotten so ridiculous that I actually want to read freakin' dictionaries, too! What kind of freak am I anyways? :p

And, for the record, I would never take the time to read this long of a blog, no matter how much I liked the person. :p

Speaking of liking people, it's getting more and more obvious that I will just never have someone. I can't image myself ever having a romantic relationship with someone. I really can't-it's just like something I don't even think about anymore. I'm only ever interested in people I can't have, and even then it's rare. It seems more likely that I'll have a successful career someday then ever find a partner of any sort. Which isn't even that upsetting to me anymore I'm so far removed from the possibility-I'm just not desperate enough to settle-even if other people in my shoes would have been long ago. I'd rather be alone then settle. And I'm just OK with that. I'll feel my time with other things, certainly. And other people may think it's sad, but some people live their life that way. And I've never been much like other people, why start now?

Ok. I really should get some sleep before working two jobs tomorrow. I'm not tired, and I wanted to get so, so much more done before the end of the night. But at least I can get off the internet and pretend I'm going to bed sometime soon.

Night ya'll.

My horoscope today:

"Your love life is on fire -- in a good way, of course! If you're single and don't see any prospects, you just need to turn around to see the right person and while it might be a challenge, it's worth it!"

I sort of feel like for once it's sort of true...there seems to be possibilities lately, like I've said. Only two that feel plausible. But I probably shouldn't say plausible...there's the fact that I'm graduating and moving soon, and we're all fairly shy, and it would all seem a bit pointless now. There's also that one has a girlfriend. Oops. But we all know me-I always like a man better if he's already taken. As if a man has to prove he would leave another girl for me. Or prove that I'm strong enough to make him stray. I know it's supposed to mean something else-I know it's supposed to mean he'll just cheat on me eventually. But cheating usually isn't something that I get my panties in a knot about, anyway. People, they cheat. Get over it.

Still, I find myself noticing how much I want to see him, how disappointed I am when he leaves before I expect him to, or doesn't show up at the times he should-and this applies to both guys, but maybe more one than the other 'cause I get more interaction with him and he seems less shy, maybe. But so far they've both switched favorites in my mind. Hm....I'm sure both will pass out without much happening, but the idea of it is still sort of fun, and I'll be happy to be a bit tickled by their presence for as long as possible.

He came to mass with us tonight. Sort of odd-who knew he didn't even know the sign of the cross? He kept saying, jokingly, that we hated him because we made him sit in the front row. After a couple of the accusations, I finally said, "sometimes". Most of the times...except it's probably not hate. I don't want him to die. I don't even want him to be unhappy, really...but if he understood, that would be good. Maybe he does, maybe he's been through it with other people. Although, honestly, with all the girls that like him and all the girlfriends he's been able to rack up, I doubt it's the same.

At any rate, I babble too much. He sat next to me, and for most of the mass his body was turned toward me, his shoulder and arm up against mine. And I just...why would he do that? It bothered me. It usually bothers me when anyone's shoulder or knee or anything rest up against mine. It never used to bother me when his did, but things are different now. Did he do it to bother me? Did he do it just because he's the type of person that always likes to be touching someone? I know, it's nothing, but he could have just sat straight forward like a normal person.

I had thought things could be normal between us, but they're just not. I wanted and hoped they would be, they were for just a little bit. But now, I just want to have an honest talk and get everything out in person, and know what he's thinking. But we don't really deserve that, we don't really warrant that. We were never much of a big deal, and I can't be the one to make it that way, not any more than I already have. He said the mix was almost done. I told him I didn't believe him, but in my head I wanted to be ballsy enough to tell him to just forget it. It's obvious after so long he doesn't care, and so neither do I-it couldn't be worth it anymore. If he doesn't want to do it, then just give it up, I have.

I can't really stand it. I'm so sick of writing about this jerk. Lets call him "A", because I'm embarrassed to write his name, embarrassed to even have a single thought about him anymore.

I was riding the ACTC bus today, just listening to music and something triggered me to think about "A", I don't know what, and my heart just jumped and sank. Lately, I've had a couple of guys that seem interested in me, and I've entertained the thought in my head of possibly being with them, playing out little fantasies to see if we'd work OK together, if they asked me out on a date if I'd say yes, yadda, yadda, yadda. And thinking about some of them, I was like, yeah, that could work. That's possible-I could maybe like this guy. And then today, "A" popped into my head stronger than any of them could ever hope to be. I don't fucking get it-why am I so stuck? Even after I feel like I'm completely over him, don't even LIKE him, my emotional reaction to just the thought of him makes everyone else pale in comparison. Why can't I move on? I've never, ever liked someone so much before. He didn't even like me. And the one time he might have been leaning in for a kiss, but probably wasn't, I panicked and said something sarcastic.

I wished he'd never even glanced my way. I really, really do. It's one thing to be hung up over someone you were with, had the possibility of spending a life with, but this, this is a whole other completely ridiculous thing. How can everything be second best, settling, for something that I never even had?

It pisses me off.

I was surprised to learn that if Heather got married, I'd be her maid of honor. I'd forgotten that outside of this God forsaken university, there were friends whom I was still a favorite to.

I just want to go home, and stay there. I know I'll have to figure out jobs and debts and money and life once I get there, but at the moment, all that's keeping me going is getting to that point.

I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did to Heather in highschool. She has, I guess. Maybe Karma hasn't. Maybe that's the problem I have with making, and keeping, friends here.
I just really never wanted high school to be the best years of my life, they weren't even that great, but they were better. I guess you don't get to choose.

I just finished watching the new Grey's alone in my apartment wrapped up and curled up on the futon in 3 blankets.

Last year, the season finale of Grey's, was on the night before I left for Europe. My parents and Lamar waited in my room to check me out. I told them I'd be late because I had to finish watching Grey's with Luke in the Manor lounge. I sat on the couch, and he laid with his head on my lap while we watched it.

I pretend not to miss him and that I'm strong and that I don't care, but I do. We ate lunch and dinner together almost every day. Every night from 7pm to 2am we spent together in each other's rooms. I dragged him to theater productions. When one of use worked at the desk, we both worked at the desk. We did everything besides class together. It takes a long time for me to become comfortable with someone, but we were together all of the time. How does someone not miss that? When we had both moved up here this past summer he said, "We can't let the distance keep us from seeing each other" and I laughed. I shouldn't have laughed, it was true. I didn't think not seeing him would be a big deal. I never missed him on the rare nights we didn't spend together. But now that I know I'm not the one who hangs out with him the most, now that I know I don't know more about him than anyone else, it does bother me. I had a spot, and I lost it.

The stupid things he used to do. Calling me at 4 in the morning to tell me he had a patch on his leg with no hair. And way too much information about his dry butt and whatever else he said he felt like he could tell me but not other people. He was such an idiot, but he was funny and I was comfortable with him.

He saw me in the print studio on Sunday. Banged on the window, waved. Texted me, said we had to find a way to get together soon. But we won't, I know we won't. Saw him again that day at Walker Field House-we talked, though he talked to some skinny blond girl a great deal more. And this is not a jealous I want him as a boyfriend thing, this is a I'm being replaced thing because Luke always cared so much about how he looked. He always wanted so badly to be popular, to be cool, to look good, looks were so important to him. And if he can find someone else who gets him that much closer to that, all the better for him. I remember once he said to me that he was manipulative, and that he made friends with people that he knew would benefit him. I remember he said he knew I didn't like him, but he was determined to make me like him. He didn't give up, and it worked. He was just there. I had no other friends, really, none that I spent a lot of time time, and he was just so accessible. I just got used to him. Got used to having him and his big screen TV to watch the last season of Queer as Folk with. Got used to playing scrabble and ordering chinese. To listening to techno and singing along to Hairspray and High School Musical. Anyways, I could never figure out what his purpose for befriending me was. How is worked for his benefit. I still don't exactly know. Maybe because he needed a friend in Residential Life, someone who the pro staff liked and trusted and someone who understood his struggles with it, and could trade shifts and what not. It worked out well for both of us. I was pretty happy last year, and most of it was due to him, I know. And, it was certainly nice having someone who always, without a doubt, helped me bring all my shit in from my car, no matter how late it was. It always surprised me how much of a help he was. How many times I'd ask him a favor never expecting him to do it, and he almost always did.

I don't think he purposefully stopped spending time with me. I just think he hasn't noticed my absence much because he doesn't need me as much anymore. He's got people, and more attractive ones at that. :p It's too bad I couldn't have gone to HSM3 with him opening weekend. It was all we talked about, how we had to see it together. He e-mailed me about it, but I was in Chicago that weekend, and he couldn't wait. And then I never saw it. Things are nothing like we planned.

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to eat with you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
(Maybe'll it make sense. At least I'll think it will.)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
9. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you.
10. If you play, you MUST post this on yours

Texted him to ask what site he used to watch current tv shows online. He responded, I texted back "Thankoo" a word I kept with me from long ago chats with Jenn.

He texted back "oowelcome".

I found it adorable.

Too bad he's an alcoholic. That one of my best friends already has major dibs on over me. Still, I hope he'll be there to dance with us at my sister's wedding in the fall. Because dancing with him, and friends, at my friends brother's wedding this past year was one of the best nights I can remember having in a long, long time.

I don't really understand. I think I must've done some really awful things in past lives. Been a really awful friend many, many times.

I don't have any friends. Not here at Hamline anyway. They all graduated or moved away and I don't have much to do with them anymore. I have friends in my classes, I have friends at work. I don't have any real ones that I can sit around and do nothing with. Watch TV with, be lazy with. All the friends I have now are only the ones that you have to be doing something to hang out. And honestly, I don't do much besides work out and do homework. No wonder I have such good grades, I have no friends and I'm too smart to become a drug addict or an alcoholic to drown my sorrows in. So I drown them in homework. I thought last year would be like this, but somehow Luke swooped in and we were friends. And this year...we don't live by each other and we're not both in Res Life and we just never talk anymore. I talked to him more over the summer through post cards and text messages than I do now. The years before that I sort of had my theater friends and sort of had Sarah, and I had my residents which have always liked me. It's like all the people I could've been friends with have already made their ties and relationships with other people and I'm too late.
J term is going to be awful. I'm taking an independent study so I won't even have social interaction during class time. I'll have nothing.
All that keeps me going is thinking about going home, where I have my family, and where I actually do have friends. Who cares that most of them are alcoholic losers that are doing nothing. They're good people and they're my friends.

I can't talk to anyone about it. How can you tell people you have no friends? I can't tell my family because I don't want them to be sad for me. I can't tell my friends because I don't want them to know what a loser I am. I don't understand why I'm so bad at making friends. Why it took me until high school to have a best friend in Sarah. I had friends before that. Middle school was fine. But not in 2nd, 3rd, grade. I remember so badly just looking everywhere for a friend. That's kind of where I am now. I've gone through all of college not really being sure of my friendships. Not knowing if they would last, not knowing if they were really real. Apparently, none of them really were. None of them have, not in a real way. I remember being sad because I'd never had a freakin' boyfriend. Now I'd settle for even a friend.

I don't understand why life happens so differently to people. Why some people seem to have friends, and an active, ongoing, changing, love life without even noticing. And others just float through life independently.

Most the time I busy myself with what I need to do for work and class and what not. But sometimes it gets to me.
But not having someone that I'm most important to, it makes me feel like I dont' exist. No one would care if I dropped out of Hamline and was no longer here. It wouldn't change anyone's life. And that's depressing. I have no reason to be here anymore other than to graduate. What a nice way note to go out on...

This is why I'm scared to ever move somewhere away from home. To go to technical welding school, to go to comic booking college, to even move somewhere away from home to get a job. Apparently I can't make friends, or have a relationship, and I'll spend the rest of my life alone. That's what experience has taught me, and why would things change in the future?

Stupid tarot card reader. She told me sister that I wouldn't start a business with her because I'd happily be swept off my feet in a relationship with someone I met in school. Oh, and she also said that I'd have to try very hard not to get pregnant. Yeah, well, not that hard-it can't happen when you don't have someone. And yeah, I know, my standards are "too high". But I shouldn't have to settle to be happy. I guess in all honestly, I'd rather be alone and unhappy than with someone else who was making me unhappy.

Let me vent about my painting instructor for a bit. There's a lot of things I like about her. However, today she gave me this look, like that look I remember getting from jocks in high-school, that misunderstood, worried/pity/this-girl-is-weird look. That's not something I expected in college, let alone a college art course. And from a girl who freakin' makes creepy dolls and then paints them for her artistic career. As if her art is the most sane, normal thing. Whatever.

Alright, the story. We had to paint 2 self portraits, then use both of them as a spring board for a 3rd painting, which should be better, more artistic, than the 2 self portraits. In other words, the last one is the most important. It had to incorporate parts of both the self portraits, but didn't have to be realistic, could use the background from your favorite painting, could be science fiction, anything, really. You're choice.
Anyways, we critiqued the self portraits on Friday, and we all decided that I would probably do a horror film type scene as my last painting. Alright, everyone was cool with that.
So what do I decide to do? Since I have a cocky smile on in one of my self portraits, I decided to make that one "evil" and make her holding a severed head of my other self portrait. I'd use the clothes from the girl from "The Audition", use a small creepy room with white tiling and no windows for the background, and have some standard horror movie blood on the walls. Okay, so I knew this might be a little over the top for the average person. I came semi came up with some other ideas, but none of them seemed to work as well as this one.
When my instructor talked to me about it today though, she acted like I was gonna go ape shit on Hamline on a killing spree or something. Or like she was battling whether she should report me to the authorities or something. She was speechless for a while, kept staring at me, being like, "Ok..." all scared looking. And then she was like, "Is this tongue and cheek or something?" I don't know! Who cares! I think she thinks I'm totally unstable and am a threat to myself or others or something. Ack. The whole thing just felt so high-school. I know she's not very happy about it and is "concerned". Like, omg :p.

Anyways, as of now, I'm going forward with the painting. It just made me feel really disgusting be to considered like that. Like this unstable, messed up girl. And you know, I don't think of myself like that. I consider myself fairly logical, and pretty dang stable. I get straight A's, I have a good relationship with my parents, I hate to see people suffer (well, in real life-in horror movies it's all good. :p), I love animals, I'm a freakin' RA for the past 3 years and frequently a teacher's pet...all these things seem to point to a fairly well put together individual. And I think almost all the people up at school that you'd talked to would say I was a stable, dependable person. And being treated like something else is just really infuriating. Hopefully it doesn't develop into anything bigger, like me getting reported to a counselor or something! :p

I mean, yes, painting myself holding my severed head is sort of weird, but there's a whole following of people that adore horror movies. I'm not that odd or unique for liking bloody, gory, horror things-there's a whole industry based on it. And yet in painting today I felt like the biggest freak walking around on the planet. Argh. I dunno man, do you think I went too far? :p

requested images of the thumbnail and inspiring images:

http://mythoughtsaredeep.deviantart.com/art/The-Problem-98080367

http://mythoughtsaredeep.deviantart.com/art/More-Problem-stuff-98080504

For the past year or so I've been re-visiting, or watching for the first time, every Batman cartoon since the 90's definitive Batman. So, Batman Beyond, The Batman, all the movies that came in between. I re-watched "Mask of the Phantasm" tonight while making study flash cards for Art History (yes, how many of you remember my numerous times of trying to study those while at parties? :p)
Anyways, it's funny how Batman is suppose to be above the normal person, and yet, how many times has he considered leaving Batman behind to be with some woman. Countless story lines within each series, and each series having multiple instances of it. So really, Batman's just doing his gig because none of his romances ever work. He's just waiting to give it all up, but he's just not lucky enough for it to happen to him. He's like every other Joe-schmo out there just keeping themselves busy with work, hobbies, their life, wishing while pretending not to, that they'd just find someone who'd be so consuming that they wouldn't care to give it all up for them.
And, probably, like most every person, once he got that it wouldn't even be what he wanted, wouldn't be enough. He'd be torn between resenting them for not being able to be the noble Batman or he'd go back to it and not be a good companion. Probably. We don't really know because in the end he never gets the girl. Although I think that's kind of what's implied happened with him and Barbara in Batman Beyond.

And yes, I am a dork who is analyzing the Batman cartoon. :p

I was driving up to the cities a little late last night. Not crazy late. I was stressed out because of all the homework I already have due and no time to do it, due to driving home to help my sister with her animals all the time.
Hey Jealousy came on the radio. I was happy it was on, I like the song. I started singing along. Mid-song, mid-word, out of no where my voice cracked and I started crying, uncontrollably. I was vaguely thinking that it was sad that I couldn't rightfully relate to over half the songs out there because I'd never been in a real relationship and probably never would be. But it was a vague fleeting thought, I didn't anticipate any crying. It was weird.

Anyways, I'm now finally making my "Driving Mix" all with songs about driving on it, that I like. This mix has been stewing in my head for a long time. Hey Jealousy is, of course, on it. If you have suggestions for other songs, let me know. Although, I will only put songs I like on it. Playlist so far:

Speed
Hey Jealousy
Shut Up and Drive
Settle For A Slowdown
Maybe She'll Get Lonely
What About Now
Looking Over My Shoulder

Oh, and if you happen to want a copy of the mix, lemme know.

Subject line referenced from "All Dogs Go To Heaven".

Everybody worries about the future, I suppose. Whenever it's me doing it, I feel like I'm the only one who really has a right to worry about it. Whenever I look at other people's lives, they seem so much simpler. I know that's not true, and I know they look at my life and probably think the same thing.
The thing is, I don't know if I have to start worrying yet. Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Before the start of my last year in college is a weird time. Maybe some oppurtunities will come up in the next year. But maybe they won't, and then I should be worrying right now and trying to set something up for my future, right? But, say something good does come along, I mean it has a whole year to do it, and it's more likely to do it in your last year of college than in any of the other ones, right?
The biggest thing is, if I knew something would come up, if I knew everything would be OK, I wouldn't have to be worrying at all right now. I wish there was someway to know if you were supposed to be worrying, or if you were just supposed to enjoy life as it comes because it'll all be fine.
Here are my possibly options as I currently see them;

-There is a very small possibility of getting a full ride scholarship to get my masters in art, most likely, in printmaking. The head of the art department told me last year that students from Hamline have done it before, and if someone can arrange it, it's probably him. He's an asshole that people hate to deal with, so they give him what he wants-and he's got sort of a big name in the art world, or so I've heard. More so his dad, but it helps him out too. The plus side is, he likes me as a student and as an artist. The downside, he's intimidating. People always talked about how intimidating he was, and I never thought I thought he was. But now that I've been able to spend a year without him and someone else as a printmaking prof, I've realized how much I am intimidated by him and how much I'm dreading him coming back and working with him again.
Anyways, even if I was lucky enough to get a full ride scholarship to a masters program, it would still be tough to come up with money for the cost of living. Money is always needed. :s However, if I was lucky enough to get a full scholarship, I'd have to take it.

-Even without a masters, there's the possibility of me getting a job as a print maker somewhere, most likely in California or New York, or one of those big, scary cities. It's not an easy job to get, but I think it's possible. I wouldn't be doing my own art-other, more popular artists or companies would be paying me to print their things. Still, I think I could learn a lot and enjoy work like that.

-I'm applying to the Joe Kubert school of comic/graphic art in the fall. It's one of the only, if not the only, school for comic book art in the US and it has a high success rate of students getting jobs after graduation. It's hard to get into. So there's two obstacles of this school. One is actually getting in. The second is, even if I'm accepted, will I be able to pay for it in any conceivable way? How can I have two different school loans hanging over my head when I'm never going to have a high paying job in the first place?
And, even if I get in and decide to ignore the fact that I have no money to pay for it and I go, it's going to be scary. Living that far from home, in a scary state like New Jersey, where I know close to nobody, have no money, don't have that much street smarts, and I'll be older than most the people there. It's like a technical school-you can go right after graduation, which means I'll be old, with a whole bunch of immature classmates. I'll already be an outcast, and lets face it, I'm not all that good at making good new friends. : p. So...it sounds amazing for the school and the work I'd do after, and the great things I'd learn there. I really think I'd love working in the comic book or animation tv world for the rest of my life.

-Another option is to live at home, work for Jessica, work for my Dad, and possibly get a job like welding at Hydroswing doors. I'd have friends and a supporting community there. Living expenses would be low, since I wouldn't have to pay for rent, or food, really. I don't think I'd mind doing this on some levels-like I said, friends and family are there. It would be slightly embarrassing to be graduated from college (with honors no less) and to be working a job that I didn't need any schooling for and still living at home.
After a while, if I need I had a steady income, I'm sure I could live in a house with friends or rent a small apartment and live my life like that. It might be ok. And it also might be incredibly mundane. What if I hate myself when I'm older for wasting all this potential inside of me? I want to grow and be challenged, not live my whole life in a safe routine like that.
With this path, it's possible I could still work on art, comics, silversmithing jewelry, and tattooing on the side and see if something ever develops where I could make real money doing something I liked. I think I'd have the time and energy to work on those side projects in this path.

-There's also the option of schooling myself on tattooing and apprenticing and someday opening up my own shop. I'm not as good at tattooing as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for it. Although, I'm not so sure I'm not, either. I could do the living at home thing and working for a while, save up, and pay for an apprenticeship in the cities or something like that. Work there for a while, then eventually open my own place, or move around from town to town-I don't think it' s that hard to get a job once you're good. I could also possibly do an apprenticeship somewhere that I didn't have to pay-might even get paid. But that would require research and moving to a new unfamiliar new city, without a doubt. But it might be a possibility.

-I wouldn't mind going to technical school for welding either, so that I could make big bucks with the risky type of welding. Underwater welding, pipe welding, etc. But going to school carries the same problems as before mentioned in the art school, and I care less about welding than art, so it seems a bigger hassle. But, I could go to school for this closer to home, and I am gaurunteed a job when I'm done. Especially if I move to Alaska or Canada and do welding on oil rigs or something. Awful, awful jobs. But great pay. And the type of thing you could do for a while for money, save up, and then do what you want later in life.

-I could also maybe just move out to Alaska and do one of those odd jobs. I might be able to weld there without any extra schooling. Or I could do some of that weird fish stuff that people do there. Could possibly be an option...

And then of course there's all the options that are out there that I don't know about, because life is full of that. So, with all of those options, why should I be worried, right? But, all of those options carry their own risks and scariness with them.

I saw a friend today that had graduated. I asked him how it was. He said boring, and that he wished he was still going to school. Avenue Q also comes to mind, where they're all lost in the real world and want to go back to college.
Life is scary.
But actually, writing out all my options made me feel a little better. There's no reason I can't try some of these out, and then move onto other ones if it doesn't work. And I know my parents are Ok, at least for a couple more years, of me living there with them. And that's a huge comfort factor. No matter what happens, I know I'll have someplace to live and food to eat. Some people don't even have that to fall back on. It also makes me feel better that I still have lots of friends back home who aren't exactly sure what they're doing, either. I would hate to be in this boat all alone. But, there's always the possibility of them getting all their ducks in a row and me still not having it figured out. But we'll worry about that when we get there.

Oh, off topic, I switched some settings on my computer, and now instead of the normal hour glass or little ball that comes up with the computer's thinking, I have a dinosaur walking! How cool is that? :p

So he's been posting his status on facebook lately in terms of percentages. He posted one that didn't have one, and I posted that I hoped he hadn't gone back to zero. Here's what he said:

"As long as there are people like you in the world making people smile with small furry animals... I'll never be at 0%."

It's kind of like gag me with a spoon mixed with "I adore you." Which is kind of always where I'm at with him, if you throw in a little "I'm pissed at you"'s. :p

Anyways, that comment definitely made me happy for a night.

"Did you come to see the animals?"

"No, I came to see you. If I wanted to see animals I'd visit Frank."

Hugs.







Nothing much. So corny that it makes me happy to think about it. Gah.

This is what my friend Luke had said to him, by a gay man from his highschool, and I laugh everytime I think about it:

"I used to think that you could be gay, but now I know that you're just straight and mean!"

Because, you know, everyone knows that being straight is equated with being mean.

Alright, so here’s the deal. I’m trying to work out getting a scholarship to travel around Europe next year for art purposes. My art prof last year brought it up as very possible and said he’d help me plan the itinerary and help me get it, etc. But, now he is on sabbatical and is not helping me out with it, since he’s gone. I’m still trying to go forward with it and get it-I’ve met with the one in charge since he’s gone and I’m meeting with another art prof tomorrow to go over what past students have done on the trip and what he thinks I should do.

Getting Hamline to pay for this trip would be amazing. However, I am still scared to go there by myself. And it seems to be the trend that someone else usually goes along (someone I know, like a friend or family). So, I’m asking here, very seriously, if anyone is interested in going to Europe with me and my art trip. The person accompanying me would have to pay for their own expenses (though I think boarding would just be paid by Hamline for me-I think.).
As it is, I might be able to get family members (Dad and sisters) to go with me for parts of the time (like one week or 10 days or so), but none of them can go for the whole time (3 weeks or a monthish) because they all have jobs that wouldn’t allow that. Plus, they’re all still trying to figure out money situations and if any one of them can afford to do such things.

What I’m asking here is if anyone else is interested on going along with this trip with me-if you’re curious about Europe, have the time and/or money-let me know if you’re at all interested. I understand that probably no one can, but I’m just throwing the opportunity out there.

I’m not exactly sure on the dates. It will for sure not be happening from June 26-July1 because I’ll be going to the Gargoyles convention during that time this summer. :)
Some very vague time possibilities:

May 19-June 16 (which plane wise is currently the cheapest-1, 025)
July 3-31 at 1,265
July 20-August 17 at 1,295

I would like to for sure spend some time in Belgium. Other than that, I haven’t talked to the prof about where I’d go-I’m guessing the generic art places.

Again, if you’re interested in only doing part of the trip, that’s cool as well.

So…think about it. :)

Kelley told me the other day that I was such a great RA and why wasn't I at all interested in being an RA next year?

I said because I'm exhausted and tired and just too stressed out. And it's not even that I've had problems with my floor. In fact, my floor has really been the best in so many ways. I didn't have a lot of moves, I don't have a lot of complaints, I was one of the people that got the most positive responses about their RA from residents. I haven't been harassed. It's been "good" and "easy". So, I started thinking, why the heck am I so stressed and exhausted being an RA?

And I think it's because it's just not the type of person I am. It's a lot of work keeping up masks, right?
I'm a nice person, but there are two kinds of nice. There is the kind of nice that hates to see people suffer, hates to see people or animals hurt, be forgotten, treated marginally, and they might act cold on the outside but on the inside are good. That's the kind of nice I am.
The other kind of nice is the kind that talks nicely to people always, that always takes the bait when someone wants to complain and sit on their pitty potty, a pleasant person that doesn't like to ruffle feathers, etc. I am not that kind of nice. The outside nice. Some people really are the outside and the inside nice. Some people are just outside nice and inside mean. I'm just inside nice.
Except for to be an RA have I have to both inside and outside nice. And it's annoying and exhausting.

Well, that's what you need to be to be a good RA. And I'm the type of person that if I undertake something, I'm going to do it good (unless it's sports). So, I've made myself be a person I'm not because that's what the job calls for. I might be a good RA, but I'm just not one naturally.

I took a personality quiz one time that said I'm a natural leader and that I make a good one, but that I don't really want to be one. I'm one because I realize the need for it if no one else jumps up for it. And I think it's kind of like that. I don't like being a good RA, but I see the need for it. And it's not in me to fail. And I have a good work ethic. So I do what's asked of me to be a good RA, even if I don't actually need to put that much work into it just to get by on being a decent RA.

I'm also not the type of person who follows rules very often. And now I'm freakin' enforcing them. I'm the kind of person to drink with residents on the weekdays. That's how I am who I am. But, to be a good RA, I haven't been. And I feel like there's this huge amount of me that my residents don't know. Not just the not drinking, but the not following all the rules-not just being content and contained. But, that's who I am to them. And that's kind of the way it has to be. But next year, no more worrying about following rules. And I'll be having fun when I want to have fun, not when it's safe.

Luke is probably the least sexual person I've ever met. There's something he said a while ago that really jarred me. I'm sure he was kidding, but...what if he wasn't? What causes a person to feel such an aversion to anything sexual? It's not like a person can remember when they're two years old. So he had to have been kidding. But this is what he said:

The last time I masturbated I was two and I threw up afterwards.

Even kidding, as he must've been, I don't know what to think of it.

You rip me apart from my insides.

It's more my fault than yours. Maybe. But I was probably fooling myself thinking I'd ever get over you. And that kind of power just isn't something you deserve.

But don't worry. I'm sure I'll patch everything up over Christmas break from the love I'll receive there. And I'll come back fine, and you'll never know what you've done.

I used to say that you reminded me of him, since I met him before you. But I think somehow I always knew you'd be here, in the future, and really the only thing that I liked about him was that he reminded me of you.